18 Ways I Don’t Want You To Prove Your Masculinity To Me

5th1. By getting in a fight. Guess what, boo? I didn’t want to bang you before you cracked that dude’s head against a wall, and I sure as fuck do not wanna drop trou now. 2. By bragging about how much money you make. Holy shit, guy. Tell me the part about how you’re gonna…


Yeah I want to add to this.

-The bit about wearing muscle tees when it’s cold out, that’s a valid point.  But gentlemen, you must also remember that muscle tees are for when you have muscles.  If you look like Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire, you can rock that muscle tee.  If you look like Marlon Brando in The Godfather, a muscle tee is not your friend.  In fact, it’s no longer a muscle tee, it’s a belly shirt.  

-That bit about not looking like you have dried poo under your nails.  It’s true…dirty fingernails are unattractive, not manly.  But while you’re cleaning the gunk out from under your fingernails (or, dare I say it, getting a manicure), maybe you CLIP YOUR GODDAMN TOENAILS.  You want to see us naked, and we like when you take your socks off to come to bed.  We don’t like when your long, raggedy big toenail scratches us.  We don’t think you’re more of a man because you never clip your toenails, we think it’s gross.

-About overgrowth of facial hair.  Grow a beard, be the rugged type.  Just trim it when you start looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway.    And remember, eyebrows, there should be two of them.

-About getting into fights.  Getting into fights every time we go out doesn’t make you a man, it makes you an asshole; it makes you reckless; it makes you someone I cannot trust.  I didn’t get all dressed up to stand outside the club and watch you knock the teeth out of another man’s head.  You wanna box, take yourself to a boxing gym and do it there.  

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