Day 18: Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?
I’ve never lost the ability to to formulate or to have an opinion, not ever in my thirty-eight years on this earth. Oh sure, there have been times when I drank that I was too intoxicated to properly communicate my opinion, and that never ended well for me, so I don’t recommend being too intoxicated to properly communicate one’s opinion (I don’t recommend it to anyone).
Even when not drunk, I sometimes am not the greatest at communication. For example, with my ex, rather than say, “You know how you violated my hard limits last time…I didn’t feel safe when you did that and I don’t want you to do it again,” I held it all in, and then, when he was in the act of violating a hard limit AGAIN, I’d yell out the safe word, knowing on some level that he wasn’t going to stop. Maybe I didn’t think I deserved a man who gave a shit about what I wanted or needed, maybe I was that messed up.
I’m sober, I’m more honest with myself, I’m working on getting better at communication…I do believe I deserve someone who cares what I want and need, I do believe I deserve someone who respects hard limits and safe words. I’m a work in progress, but my progress is by no means complete. Not I’m the woman who wants to negotiate limits first and play after, rather than the drunk girl who played first and asked questions NEVER. But I’m finding more and more men are goddamn poseurs, they want to play immediately, they don’t care to discuss limits ever. So while I’m making progress, the rest of the so-called “community” doesn’t seem to be doing so.