Day 15: Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you, and if not (if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving over the future?
I mean, at age 15, I knew I liked older guys (or, more accurately, I knew I sure as shit didn’t enjoy the company of boys my own age), I knew I liked having my ass spanked, and I was likely to hook up with the first guy who spanked my ass. And THAT WAS ALL I KNEW.
At 20, I knew the buzzword “S & M” but I didn’t think I was into that because I didn’t wear a latex suit or thigh high boots, I didn’t hit anyone with a whip (and at that point in life, no one had yet hit ME with a whip), I’d seen the film Body of Evidence, starring Madonna, and wax play was done in that film, and I’d done wax play once myself (with a partner) and decided it’s not as sexy and glamorous as it is in the movies (goddamn Hollywood, making things look sexier than they really are) and I’d had a drunken threesome (with two men) during a summer abroad in Italy, and there was…well, one of them had striped me with his belt during that encounter, and apparently, I’d enjoyed that very much, so much that I requested he keep doing it even though he wasn’t as into it as I was.
When I was 30 (and by the way, I drank so hard some people didn’t think I’d live to SEE 30) I knew I was comfortable enough calling my sex partners Daddy rather than honey or sweetie…well, I’d always known that on some level, but by the time I was 30, other people knew that too. I knew I liked being tied up, spanked, slapped, choked, I had discovered the joys of anal sex.
Throughout this whole time, I felt like I was sort of a perpetual fifteen year old, like parts of my mind didn’t grow up like the rest of me…through reading and use of the internet (and by the way, the internet is a wonderful resource for finding and chatting with like minded people) I came to realize that I’m a Little, specifically a Little Girl, and that I’m not the only one. Because I identify as fifteen when I’m in Little Space (and yeah, Little Space is a thing) I’m actually a Middle (although I prefer the term Lolita). The knowledge that I’m not the only one who has this kink, that really helped me become more open about it, and I stopped identifying as “a submissive with Little tendencies” and started saying I’m “a Middle/Lolita”. Being more truthful about what I really am has been liberating.
In the past three years, after getting sober & leaving an abusive relationship behind, I’ve done further reading, I’ve worked to improve myself. I’ve come to realize that submissive does NOT equal doormat, that just because I kneel before someone doesn’t mean he has the implied right to walk all over me, to do things I never consented to.
So that’s how my submission has evolved over the years.