What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you feel it has to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?
There’s a contingency of uninformed people who love to say that anyone into kink is into it because of having been abused in some way as a child…there are people who are in this lifestyle who had normal, healthy childhoods. The fact that I’m NOT those people doesn’t mean they don’t exist.
My mother is a narcissistic borderline personality (borderline of WHAT, you ask…borderline of great rage, and when she went over the edge, she took that rage out on us all, me, my sisters, my father). My maternal grandfather raped me when I was ten, for an entire summer, and told me if I didn’t agree to continue being raped, I could watch him rape my younger sisters in my stead, so I made the hard choice, what I considered to be the “grown up” choice at the time. Add to that the fact that I filled out a full C cup in fifth grade and yeah…I was that little girl with a grown woman’s shape, the young child who knew what it was to play a grown woman’s role in bed. Not that I WANTED any of that at age 10, but it was my lot in life.
Going from there, I felt like my innocence, my childhood, had been pulled out from under me. I was depressed, I had trust issues. And yeah, I drank like I wanted to die young. But in my relationships (OK, they were hookups at best) with men, I found myself playing the part of “young girl” even though there was no script…I’d call the guy “Daddy”, sit on his lap (and some guys didn’t like a fat little girl on their laps), want my hair brushed, play at being shy about being touched inappropriately, and then, as though a switch was flipped, proceed to have raunchy, nasty sex with “Daddy”. I didn’t know this was a brand of DD/lg or age play when I was a nineteen year old, I hadn’t even heard of DD/lg then, it was just what I did.
Some guys were into it and others weren’t. Some wanted me to “be more aggressive” in bed, to get on top, and that’s not who I am…I’m uncomfortable being on top during sex.
At age 23, I was at a friend’s apartment. We were watching TV…channel-surfing, drinking, and I was chain smoking. We found Taxi Driver on one of the movie channels…he said he loved a Bobby D movie, I said I’d never seen Taxi Driver before, so of course we HAD to watch it. I related and identified with Jody Foster’s baby prostitute character…the too-soon sexualized young girl. Later that same year, as part of my grad school, I read Lolita, and I identified with the titular character. By t hen there was the internet, a magical place where you could look up anything. So I looked up Lolita, cross-referenced it with S & M (yeah, back then I didn’t know it was called BDSM) and found myself.
My Lolita (also known as a Middle) is 15, and will NOT regress back any further, so don’t ask, nudge, or any goddamn thing else. Chain smoking, shoplifting, playing the music way too damn loud, these are favorite activities. Things to do with Daddy include sneaking his cigars (I KNOW it’s not ladylike, that’s why it’s fun), riding his cock like a surfboard in the bath tub, being sassy until I get a spanking, and other assorted fun stuff.
Daddy’s belt is the ideal “relationship management tool”. I’m single now, so every once in awhile I have to admit (to myself if to nobody else) that I’ve been a bad girl and spank my own ass with either a slipper or a hair brush. My submission/being a Lolita doesn’t have anything to do with a desire to serve, because, in all honesty, I’m a selfish person. I’ll SAY the kitchen is my office and son’t anybody come in, and I look sexy wearing nothing but an apron and heels, but the only thing I’m making in there is a big mess because I don’t know what I’m doing. So yeah, even though I said it’s my office and don’t come in there, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, come in there and stop me before the steaks are on fire under the broiler. Or better yet, just don’t let me in there.
It IS a sexual thrill when Daddy takes me out somewhere and I get to experience the world with him, a grown up world I don’t usually get to experience. It’s exciting…a bit scary too, but it’s OK when Daddy is there to protect me. Something about being protected is a huge turn on.
Anyway, I hope I’ve answered this sufficiently.