Has it REALLY been fifteen years????????? Sometimes it feels like just yesterday I was that 23 year old girl lying on the futon in your apartment, and other days it’s like you’re someone I knew a lifetime ago. You were the first real relationship of my adult life, even though I never told you that. Before you, it was hook-ups in college campus rec rooms or worse yet, back rooms at bars. you were the first man to actually pick me up at my house like a gentleman, and I never appreciated you for that. The first night we went to bed, I, knowing sex was going to happen, made you stop at a liquor store on the way to your place. I had to get drunk to fuck you…god, what the hell did you think of me for that, I can’t even begin to wonder. Must’ve been a clue that I had, ummmmmmmm, a drinking problem, although at the time, I wasn’t ready to admit that to myself or anyone else. But it wasn’t you, it wasn’t that I had to get drunk to fuck YOU, it was that I had to get drunk to fuck in general. Another thing I never told you about myself (and there were many, I withheld so many important things about myself from you) is that I’d been sexually abused as a child, and at the time I was with you, I was keeping the secret of that, from EVERYONE, I was pushing it down, doing anything, including drink like a fish, to not think about it. Drunk was the only way I could have sex back then. I must’ve been an awful partner, just lying there like a dead thing under you, you didn’t deserve that…you didn’t deserve a partner who withholds big, important things about herself.
Anyway, it was three years ago that I got sober…twelve step meetings, a belief in a higher power (yeah, I’m not the atheist you remember), meditation, the whole bit. Part of getting sober is cleaning up the wreckage of the past. I know you may not remember me or our brief time together, but I remember having been a bad partner to you. I kept secrets from you because I didn’t trust you, but you never said or did anything to deserve any mistrust…it was all me & my own bullshit, and for that I owe you an amends. You don’t have to forgive me or contact me, just know that I’m working towards being a better person.