An Open Letter to Someone I Used to Sleep With A Long Time Ago

Dear James,

Has it REALLY been fifteen years?????????  Sometimes it feels like just yesterday I was that 23 year old girl lying on the futon in your apartment, and other days it’s like you’re someone I knew a lifetime ago.  You were the first real relationship of my adult life, even though I never told you that.  Before you, it was hook-ups in college campus rec rooms or worse yet, back rooms at bars.  you were the first man to actually pick me up at my house like a gentleman, and I never appreciated you for that.  The first night we went to bed, I, knowing sex was going to happen, made you stop at a liquor store on the way to your place.  I had to get drunk to fuck you…god, what the hell did you think of me for that, I can’t even begin to wonder.  Must’ve been a clue that I had, ummmmmmmm, a drinking problem, although at the time, I wasn’t ready to admit that to myself or anyone else.  But it wasn’t you, it wasn’t that I had to get drunk to fuck YOU, it was that I had to get drunk to fuck in general.  Another thing I never told you about myself (and there were many, I withheld so many important things about myself from you) is that I’d been sexually abused as a child, and at the time I was with you, I was keeping the secret of that, from EVERYONE, I was pushing it down, doing anything, including drink like a fish, to not think about it.  Drunk was the only way I could have sex back then.  I must’ve been an awful partner, just lying there like a dead thing under you, you didn’t deserve that…you didn’t deserve a partner who withholds big, important things about herself.

Anyway, it was three years ago that I got sober…twelve step meetings, a belief in a higher power (yeah, I’m not the atheist you remember), meditation, the whole bit.  Part of getting sober is cleaning up the wreckage of the past.  I know you may not remember me or our brief time together, but I remember having been a bad partner to you.  I kept secrets from you because I didn’t trust you, but you never said or did anything to deserve any mistrust…it was all me & my own bullshit, and for that I owe you an amends.  You don’t have to forgive me or contact me, just know that I’m working towards being a better person.

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